I came out two years ago this week!!

Greetings from somewhere upstate NY at a marathon 🏃‍♀️

Happy Sunday! If you’re reading this today, I’m actually somewhere hours away from NYC watching my friend Rachel run a marathon. A marathon! She’s braver than I will ever be!

Anyway, all this to say that you’re receiving this email on Sunday and I’m writing it on Thursday, so hello from the past, I guess? What’s the future like? How does it feel to already be in October, wtf??? 

In this newsletter, you’ll find:

1. From the heart: reflections on the two-year anniversary of coming out

2. From the page: thoughts about going past the first instinct

As ever, I hope you enjoy!

From the heart 💗

Two years ago, give or take three days, I came out on Twitter. It was both a deeply impulsive and lengthily thought-out decision. That is to say, I was in a silly goofy mood when I crafted my coming-out tweet and fired it off after just a few minutes of thought, but I had spent the past three years grappling with my sexuality. I had been turning the truth of my identity over and over in my brain, probing at it from every angle, trying to figure out — who was I?

Being bi is not the sum of my identity, but it is a big part of it. It was a revelation, this realization that my sexuality was more fluid and more expansive than I had ever considered it could be. The way I viewed the world shifted on its axis, and when I opened my eyes after spinning about frantically for a while, I found everything brighter, more brilliant, more beautiful.

I was terrified to share this with the world, but I’d started practicing, sprinkling my sexuality into conversations with friends. With two of my OG church friends1 I sat them down at a birthday brunch and said, “So I’ve changed the filters on my dating apps, and now I’m ‘seeking women,’” and then smiled until they figured out what I was obliquely getting at.

With my middle school best friend in Italy, I prepped her for a big, life-changing conversation, dropped the metaphorical bomb, and was shocked when she said, essentially, “Ok, and?” And with my college roommate, who was quite possibly the first person I spoke the words “I might be bi” to aloud, I was taken aback by her response which basically boiled down to, “I thought you already knew this.”

Every time I came out to someone new, I got a rush. A drop of serotonin, a flash of adrenaline, that feeling of being seen and supported and accepted. I wanted more of that. I wanted it all.

Another consideration to coming out on Twitter was that I had started writing sapphic romances, and I wanted it known why. These stories meant a lot to me; I realized I was bi, in part, because I felt a sharp longing in my chest every time I saw media about two women in love, two brides, other queer representation. And I wanted to write those stories to soothe the part of my soul that needed it. But I didn’t want people to think I was being appropriative, or have to ask me or wonder. I thought, I’ll just be loud about it, and then they’ll know.

I’ve written a lot about Pride since coming out. I’ve been toying with the concept, both in personal essays online, in my critical thesis and lecture for school, and in my journal. One of the reasons I am so loud about my identity and queerness2 is because I’m practicing being proud. For me, shame has always manifested in silence, and pride in the the opposite.

So coming out was not just a way to share my identity with the world and let people know where the stories I wrote were coming from. It was also a way for me to celebrate myself, the way I move through the world, the way I love, and the things I long for.

From the page ✍️

There’s a piece of advice I heard somewhere, and I wish I could remember who said it, but it was so good I have to share it here in case it can help anyone else. Also, I don’t remember exactly how it was worded, lol, so I’m redoing it my way.

Basically — when you’re writing and the time comes to make a decision, whether that’s a plot turn, a character trait, a piece of backstory, or even a trope you want to use — take into account your first instinct, but question it. Consider, how can I tweak this and make it more unique?

For example, in my work-in-progress, I knew that my main character had a shitty relationship with her father, but I wasn’t sure why. Immediately, my first thought was that the father, who’s not longer in the picture, had been abusive. Because that’s a real life experience many teens have, and because I’ve myself experienced abuse at the hands of a caretaker (though not my parents, to be clear), it felt like it made sense.

But then I heard this advice, which gave me pause, and I wondered — how can I change this? What is my second instinct, or my third, and how can I make this different? Even if I don’t want to make it different, what about this character’s backstory can give it a unique angle?

And that’s when it hit me — my character is a witch, a trait she was born with because her mother is a witch. So what if her father hated that? What if he thought it was evil, or immoral? What if he tried to change that part of who she is?

So I delved deeper and discovered something truly horrifying about her father, which I won’t share here cause spoilers, you’ll simply have to ask to read the book to find out. The point being, I think this new storyline is a million times stronger than if I’d gone with my initial instinct. Which is only to say, do what you can to personalize your stories.

There are beats and tropes and character arcs that are common. Every writer, though, will come up with a unique take on it, based on who they are and who their characters are. Take fake dating — so common. So beloved. What about your character’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, can make this different? And then chase those threads into a unique story that only you could tell.

As I’m writing this I worry that we all know this already and I’m behind for just now figuring it out. The impostor syndrome is getting to me. But I’m gonna keep this in here, because if I am just now having this epiphany, maybe someone else is, too.

Alla prossima 👋

That’s all for today!