I've been so depressed lately

Welcome

It’s a wet, cold weekend in Brooklyn.

This week, I’m switching out some sections in the newsletter! I’m adding a “from the question box” ssection, where I’ll answer questions about publishing, writing, grad school, my journey — anything that you feel like asking! So feel free to reply to this email or shoot me a DM on instagram with a question you’d like me to answer!

From the heart 💗

I’ve been depressed

Lately I’ve been struggling. In the most metaphysical sense of the word, that is — the struggle has originated and lived almost entirely in my mind. My depression is raging, like a living, wild beast, rampaging through my brain and laying waste to everything in its path. It’s so bad I can’t even write.

It’s so bad I just spiraled for about 20 minutes in the middle of writing this newsletter 😬.

My brain has never felt like something that belonged to me, that worked in concert with the rest of me to create a good life for us. My brain has always felt like an enemy, a chemically fucked-up antagonist with the singular goal of destroying me.

Lately, I think it might be succeeding.

Life feels impossible. I can’t seem to get good news no matter how hard I scrape and try for it. It feels like every decision I’ve ever made was a mistake that set me on a crash course to destruction. I remember fondly the days when life seemed to come easily to me, when success felt within reach; when I could apply for an opportunity I was qualified for and actually get it.

I’m spinning my wheels, and the years of spinning while staying in place have burned me out so completely that I think I’m a desiccated husk of a human being.

I don’t know when things get better. I don’t know if things get better. And that’s breaking my brain in a whole new way.

From the question box ❓

How do you stay sane while waiting for feedback on your work?

Did I maybe choose this question for today because I’m in this position myself and want to work my way to an answer on it? Maybe. Mind your business!

Alright, so first let’s go through the usual suspects — the advice most commonly slung about in answer to this question.

The first is to focus on something else; dive into a new project and get lost in it, to the point that you nearly forget you’ve got a book in the query trenches/on sub/with your beta readers or agent. This is well-worn advice because it works.

That said, sometimes you need to take a break from writing anything (that’s where I am right now, hence why I keep! spiraling! out!). In those times, I think the main idea stands: try to forget about the project you’re waiting on.

If that means diving into a new, totally unrelated to publishing hobby, do that. Maybe it means catching up on housework and life admin, or setting up a bunch of social get-togethers, or binge-reading a series you’ve wanted to get into it, or or or — there are so many options!

These are my best tips for surviving the wait. Now that all that’s been said, some honesty: I am S T R U G G L I N G through my own wait right now. It’s hard! I feel like I lose a piece of my sanity every day, dying to know if my agent is going to like the book I poured my heart into.

Such is publishing, I suppose. Truly not for the faint of heart!

From the shelf 📚

Godkiller, by Hannah Kaner

I started reading this book to prepare for a podcast episode we recorded with Hannah as a guest. And I was immediately sucked in and completely whisked away by this world! It’s so rich and well-realized, and I loved the characters — each of the main four is so well-developed and alive, and I loved their interactions with each other.

The ending completely took my breath away, and now I can’t wait to dive in to book two, Sunbringer!

Alla prossima 👋

Well, friends, that’s all I’ve got for this week. Love ya, mean it!

— Karis xoxo