In 2024, I will learn to care for myself

Happy New Year’s Eve from the depression cave ⛰️

All the rumors are true: I am in the midst of a fierce and rude depressive episode!

But we’re not gonna let that stop us from having a great final newsletter of 2023, are we1? As I write this on Saturday, I’ve got music playing, a cat cuddled up next to me, and Red Lobster on the way — let’s close out the year in style, friends!

In this newsletter, you’ll find:

1. From the heart:

2. From the camera roll: more about 2023

3. From the page:

Thanks for sticking around with me through this wild & turbulent year, my loves. Cheers to a better 2024 🥂

From the heart 💗

Obviously I wrote the above section…earlier than today 🤣 It is now Monday, Jan. 1, 2024, and I think the broader wave of depression has broken, and my brain has thoughts again. And what’s on my heart for today is that for this year, I want to learn to take care of myself.

I’m 30 years old, and yet I’ve never mastered the art of self-care. Not just the wellness guru type, the one that involves fancy face masks and long soaks in the tub and massages; I am bad at the bare minimum, the one that involves remembering to brush my teeth and shower and do my laundry.

More metaphysically, I’ve never mastered the art of treating myself with care. Of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking soft thoughts about myself. Of holding my heart gently in my hand so as not to bruise it.

In 2024, I want to learn this. I want to re-spin the tapes that run on a loop through my brain, that tell me I’m ugly, unlovable, a stain on life’s quilt. I want to turn those tapes into affirmations that I have beauty, that I am a joyful, funny, loyal person who is good to her friends and kind to others, that I add to life’s quilt, my own unique square filled with vibrancy. That my contributions matter, whether on a grand scale or on an individual scale.

And I think that if I do this, if I hold my heart with care, I will learn to treat my body with care, learn to treat my spaces with love.

In 2024, I want to learn to love myself.

From the camera roll 📸

From the page ✍️

In December, I got hooked on a new TV show. It’s called “The Artful Dodger,” and if you haven’t watched it yet (on Hulu), I’m gonna need you to do that pronto, because it will change your life2. I went through a heady week where all I thought about was Jack and Belle, where I spent my days missing them and my nights panic-texting my friends Adi and Hannah who also watched the show.

And it reminded me of the last time I’d felt so literally ill over a piece of media: this past July, lol. I finished Chloe Gong’s Immortal Longings3 and sat down at my desk to write my lil review and my head was LITERALLY SWIMMING. My heart was beating erratically, probably, if that’s a real physical thing that happens. My throat was tight. I was…unwell.

And it was glorious.

I love stories that do that. Stories that turn the tables, open their own mouths and swallow me whole as I try to devour them. They suck me into their orbit, turning everything around me into a whirlpool drawing me closer, closer, to the beating center of obsession. They rock my world, they move me, they stick with me.

That’s what I want to do with my own stories.

I want to spin tales that leave you breathless, hanging on every word, frantically turning the pages to get to the next line, the next chapter, the next instalment, because if you don’t find out what happens, if you have to be pulled away from your interactions with these characters, it’ll be as disorienting as returning to Earth after orbiting the moon. As unsettling as stepping on land after time on the sea.

My goal is to shake you to your very core, so that 50 years from now you still find yourself stopping in your tracks, remembering my characters. Remembering my words. Remembering my worlds.

I want you to feel, and feel so impossibly acutely.

So in 2024, in addition to learning to care for myself, I’m going to learn how to spin tales that absolutely enrapture you. Let’s do this.

Alla prossima 👋

That’s all for today, friends! Let me know down in the comments what you’re hoping to learn in 2024.

It may be a new year, but the genocide in Gaza continues. Call your reps, share about it widely, bear witness and speak out. I long for the day I can close out this newsletter and say Palestine is free. I long for the day the killing ends. Let it be sooner rather than later.