It happened to me: I was on sub for 19 months

This past Friday night, I went to The Dickens in Manhattan and drank Martinis and ate fries (and a steak) with my friend, and it was a celebration of JUVENILIA, and also just such a fun time with a friend, and I feel like I’m alive again.

The past few weeks I’ve felt like I was stagnating, like time was passing me by while I was stuck, congealing. Turns out, I had just spent too long at home!!! Without being social or part of the world!!! A lesson I’m sure I’ll forget again in about two days.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that life is good.

Nat & Cami is dead, long live Nat & Cami 👯

I haven’t read Nat & Cami, in full, since the start of 2023. Two whole years! But their story is seared into my psyche, branded onto my soul, emblazoned behind my eyelids.

Cami, my baby. She’s an out lesbian in a school that hates her. She’s bullied by both students and adults, clinging desperately to her two best friends and the knowledge that someday, her suffering will have been worth it — when she uses the connections the school gives her to secure an art fellowship. She’s brave in so many ways, but she still needs someone else’s strength to really stand in her own light. And that’s where Nat comes in.

Nat, my heart. She’s bi but doesn’t know it. Captain of the cross country team, soccer star, sure to be valedictorian. She’s popular, beloved, but when she sees how Cami is treated, she knows that the good will of evil people is worth nothing. She throws it all away to start an undercover GSA1, lead a protest, be true to herself and her love for Cami. She’s the golden girl, but she’s so deeply depressed. She needs Cami’s perspective to start to see herself clearly.

Trieste, my home. The book takes place between the school, situated on a hilly road out of the city, and in the heart of the city itself. Trieste is the place I called home through middle and high school. It’s a city of hills and sea, of gorgeous architecture and stunning nature. It’s the home that built me; it’s where I first learned the sorrow of depression, the sharp tang of self-hatred. It’s the perfect setting for my girls to fight and learn to love in.

The GSA, my loves. The side characters in Nat & Cami brought me so much joy to discover as I wrote. I like to joke that my favorite trope in this book is the “surprise, everyone’s actually gay!” one, because as I wrote I’d introduce characters only to discover they, too, were queer. Queer and closeted and brimming with rage, ready to explode. Ready to undo the oppressive systems that would have kept them down.

Listen, the book isn’t perfect. I could have strengthened Cami’s artistic side, could have leaned more into Nat’s school stress. I could have fleshed out the side characters even more, could have brought the setting to life more fully. I could have leaned even more into the timeliness of it — the heartbreaking, enraging timeliness. I had the room to add to it, I just…I just needed an editor to take a chance. To love my girls like I do. To see the vision like I do.

But that hasn’t happened yet, and my girls, they’re not going to be on sub any more. They’re in the waiting period now. It breaks my heart, but I know it’s okay. They’re not forever shelved, they’re just biding their time, waiting for the perfect editor to scoop them up and help me usher them into the world in the best way possible.

So yeah, my heart is broken today. It’s been over 19 months of sub and I’m tired, and I’m devastated, and I wish Nat & Cami would have a chance to burst onto the scene and win you over, too.

But I’m also okay. I’m deep in the revising stage of an adult romance that is lighting up my soul; I’m drafting another YA romance that is magical and joyful. I believe — have to believe — that someday those books will be out there, that they may carve the way for Nat & Cami, too.

My girls. My city. My GSA. My whole beating heart on a plate.

Alla prossima 👋

You may know that I’ve been involved with QuillersSWANA as a mentor this past year. For Ramadan, they’re partnering with Threads of Peace to organize a fundraiser geared toward providing Iftar to families in Lebanon. I’m sharing the fundraiser here in the hopes that, if any of you have $20 to spare, you’d offer it to this cause, as $20 can provide Iftar for a family in need.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. Be good to yourselves.

— Karis xoxo