Maybe life is worth living after all???

Hello my loves 🌞 

It’s the weekend again! Halle-freaking-lujah. What a week. Keep your eyes peeled tomorrow 👀 for a brand-new podcast episode to drop! I’m excited for this one!

From the heart 💗

On the Gofundme, & feeling loved

One of the lies that my depression is most wont to tell me is that I’m alone in the world. The intrusive thoughts filter through my defenses and whisper that no one would even notice if I disappeared, much less mourn. If they do notice, they’ll recover quickly, the voices amend when I present proof that I am loved. They’ll realize that their lives are better without you. They’ll find themselves grateful.

How do you fight that? How do you disprove a message that you’ll never even be alive to see come to fruition — or not? I despaired. The only way to disprove those words was to die, and for my friends to mourn me, and at that point, well…I’m dead. So it’s not like I’m going to know if or when they move on.

The end result of these intrusive thoughts is that I start to isolate myself.

When the darkness descends, I stop texting my friends first. Let them prove their love by reaching out to me — for once.

When I feel alone and unwanted, I lash out and say mean things. Let them prove their love by forgiving me.

It’s fucked up, is what it is.

But the fact remains; I have spent 32 years distrusting all the love that has been given to me, because I fear someday it will disappear. Someday the wool over their eyes will be removed, and they’ll see me clearly for the first time, and they’ll leave me. And it’s going to hurt like hell, but it’ll hurt less if I’ve been practicing for it. Right?

Wrong.

The times I have lost friends — when they’ve told me explicitly that I was “too much,” that I was “smothering” them, that they needed a break — it hurt no less for having been expected.

This is a long preamble. But I have to set the stage, so you can understand just how emotional I’ve been over the past week. On Monday, I found out that I was officially approved for an IV Ketamine treatment for my depression. The treatment costs, at minimum, $3,000. I have…not got $3,000 extra lying around.

So I started a Gofundme. People do this all the time, I thought. It’s valid to raise funds for a medical emergency.

I hoped we’d at least hit $2,000 before the treatments were meant to begin. That would be my sign that I could schedule them with confidence.

And the donations began to roll in. And 62 donations later, I’ve raised over $2,500 in less than a week. More importantly — 62 individuals or families took a look at me and said, “Yes, her life is worth investing in.”

Friends; family; roommates; people I haven’t spoken to in years and people I speak with daily; strangers; writing community acquaintances; people I love and people I didn’t know loved me and people who don’t even know me like that; they gave so I could live, and live better than I have been.

Ugh, I’ve started crying again just writing this. Let me wrap it up with this: thank you. If you donated, or shared, or sent a positive thought my way, or if you’ve ever done anything like that — thank you. I don’t know how to put into words what this means to me. It’s just — it’s everything.

From the question box ❓

What are the pros and cons of getting an MFA?

An incredible question, truly. I’m going to answer it slightly differently — not with a pros and cons list, because frankly I think that is personal and only you individually can speak to your own pros and cons, but with a list. The same list I made back in 2021 when I was contemplating applying for an MFA. The same list I carried close to my chest through the two-year program. It’s a list of everything you can reasonably expect to get out of an MFA. It’s a list of everything I wanted out of my own MFA experience.

1. Community: The very first thing I wanted was a robust community of creatives who love the books I love and would push me in every way. I can say I got that in spades from my own MFA. Unfortunately, this is something you can’t really guarantee, because a lot of it does depend on the effort you put in. I made a conscious effort during my first VCFA residency to get out of my shell and not let my shyness keep me from talking to people, going to social events, reaching out to others. It paid off for me! YMMV.

2. Level up the craft: I knew my MFA wouldn’t guarantee a publishing deal, but it had been nearly seven years since I had been in a consistent writing workshop / growth environment. I worried I had plateaud, and I needed to level up. I don’t know if this worked out, mostly because I’m absolute shit at being able to track my own progress. Are the books I write now better than they were in 2021? Hell if I know! But I do have more tools that I’m aware of at my disposal, so there’s that! YMMV.

3. Be able to teach: I knew and still know that someday I want to teach. Whether that’s at a workshop, a retreat, an undergrad program, or an MFA, I’m not sure; but I know I looooove sharing what I know and watching others grow in confidence and skill. If you get an MFA that’s a terminal degree — you can teach. Your mileage shouldn’t vary with this one!

If this list doesn’t make sense to you, feel free to make your own! Take a good look at what you want out of an MFA, look at what programs offer, look at the costs, and decide whether it’s worth it. <3!

From the shelf 📚

For Her Consideration, by Amy Spalding

This book, the first in Amy Spalding’s very sapphic Out in Hollywood series, is one that had me rolling from the first page. When I say it’s laugh-out-loud funny, I mean I was cackling, delighted, kicking my feet and clapping my hands. Truly A+ on the humor front.

I adored the side characters in this book, too. While it’s defintely a romance first, following Nina as she falls in love with up-and-coming actress Ari, the friend group is a very crucial part of Nina’s journey and of their relationship. It’s everything.

And I swooned! Highly recommend!

Alla prossima 👋

One thing about me is that I’m approximately 10 months behind on reading articles from magazines and various other online outlets. It’s fine, it’s whatever, but it does mean that I’m living the culture both simultaneously and delayed, lol.

All that to say, this week I read a Teen Vogue piece by former Rep. Mauree Turner that was published in early July 2024 that reminded me of something crucial — the political system in this country is not serving the majority of its people. I won’t spoil Turner’s thoughts and experiences, as you should read the piece yourselves, but there were so many examples of the ways politicians — mostly right-wing ones, but let’s be real, the Democrats are sooooo guilty as well — ignore their constituents’ needs & desires in order to push their partisan projects.

Whether it’s book bans or keeping trans people out of the right bathrooms, it doesn’t seem to matter what Americans want; it only matters what some men put in the Bible centuries ago. It only matters what will keep old white men and their lackeys in power.

If you think this country has your back, and you’re not a cishet able-bodied Christian white man? I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t.

Let’s do something about that.

— Karis xoxo