On functioning, and breaking down

The bottom is rocking 🪨

Last weekend, I was at Love Y’all Romance Book Fest in Atlanta. It was three days of events, authors, readers, panels, signings, joy, laughter, and friendship. It was everything I needed and more.

This weekend, I’m back in New York and ~things~ have happened in my professional life that have left me feeling off-kilter and scared for the future. It’s blacked out my ability to see a path forward, leaving me feeling hopeless and, truly, like I’m at rock bottom. Life comes at ya fast, huh?

This newsletter will explore something I’ve been thinking of for a while as “the functioning trap,” specifically when it comes to my mental health. I’m also delighted to share some photos from Love Y’all, as well as reflect on the past year in my writing life because one year ago today I did something pretty big and momentous! Buckle up and let’s go.

From the heart 💗

I am sure I’m neither the first nor the only person to experience what I’m writing about here — which is part of why I want to write about it.

I call it the functioning trap, because it feels like I’m trapped somewhere, and that somewhere is achieving a base level of functionality. Just enough that no alarm bells are rung and that life can continue as it was, not good enough to actually make any headway on my goals or achieve any of the things I want to achieve.

See, I struggle to lose control. I have so many big, roiling emotions, and they bubble up inside me and scream and bang at the walls of my consciousness, and it would be SO NICE to let them out. To act on them. To not get out of bed when my final alarm goes off at 8:55 a.m. and tells me I need to log in at work. To not put on clothes and smile when I get alerted that I have a meeting in one minute. To not keep on keeping on, day in and day out, doing the things necessary to keep going but not enough to excel.

Sometimes, I do fail at this. Sometimes I give in to the agony inside me. The last time that happened, someone called a wellness check on me and I was locked on a psych ward for nearly 24 hours. It was awful. It won’t happen again.

Because you see, the consequences of not functioning are always at the forefront of my mind, and they’re too big and deep and wide and horrifying to contemplate. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my independence. That is not an option.

So I keep on functioning, doing less than I know I’m capable of, but not poorly enough to be institutionalized.

Maybe this isn’t a trap. Maybe this is just “existing with mental illness,” and everyone does this, and no one struggles with it like I do. But I do struggle with it. I want to live authentically, and I can’t, I have to put on a mask of functionality and okay-ness because if it slips — when it slips — the results are hard to come back from.

So I carry on. Functioning. Surviving. Not thriving the way I want to. Just scraping by, passing, making do.

It breaks my heart because all I want to do is soar. I want to be excellent and great and stunning and show-stopping and make people believe in me.

And lately it feels like all I do is let people down, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to rein in the disappointment train.

I will keep going. I will keep seeking help and trying to better my mental health. I will do my best, and hope that my best becomes good enough.

From the camera roll 📸

From the page ✍️

One year ago today, I did something that would have a big impact on my writing career: I hit “send” on my first queries for Nat + Cami!

That’s right — it’s been exactly one year since I started querying this book! It would be another ~3 months before Eric would make his offer on the manuscript, and the months of querying were agonizing, but I wouldn’t change a single thing about that process or the end result.

My publishing journey has been, in a word, long. I sent my first-ever queries at the end of December in 2014, and it wasn’t until June 2023 that I signed with Eric. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even accepting queries when I yeeted that first book into the sun, and among the reasons to be delighted and relieved that Red Rain Boots didn’t go anywhere, it’s that now I’ve ended up where I am and that would’ve been impossible with that book!

But sometimes I get mired in the weeds of looking back on exactly how long my journey has lasted, and feeling down about it. By “down about it,” I do mean that I feel like an abject failure who has disappointed everyone who ever believed in her and has no prospects. Cue: “I’m 27 years old, I have no money and no prospects…and I’m frightened.” Those lines literally play on a loop in my head, except I adjust for my real age, lol.

I know, on some level, that the length of my publishing journey is not a reflection on my talent, writing ability, or future prospects. But the thing is, it’s really hard for me to get to that level of knowledge when the more easily accessible levels are all screaming that I’m a loser and my dreams will never come true.

And you know what? They may not. I may never publish a book. It may take 10 years of being agented before I sell a book1. But.

But I had this realization the other day that I genuinely love writing. More, I love the stories I have to tell. Nat + Cami is so special to me because it’s the book in which I first explored my burgeoning queerness as an out bisexual woman who was also leaving her faith behind. I poured so much into those pages — the angst of being depressed, the swooniness of first love, the rage at learning the worldview you were raised with is so flawed — and I hope with everything in me that someday you’ll read and love it, too.

And then there’s Hex, which is everything magical and witchy and learning that you can’t do everything and save the whole world yourself, and there’s kisses that cause literal sparks, fake dating, only one bed-ing, and so many other things I adore.

Someday I’m going to finally write my trilogy of sapphic travel books following a group of four best friends who fall in love on various trips to places that mean the world to me.

I’ll write my mental health novel about the psych ward, and I’ll finally get back to The Trials and Tribulations of a Reluctant Superhero, and I’ll work on my memoir, and there are so many other stories that I’ll write that I haven’t even dreamed up yet.

I will continue to write, whether or not an editor at a traditional publisher decides to take a chance on me. I will write the stories that light up my soul, and I will share them with my friends, and I will find peace and love and comfort through storytelling.

So yes. I started querying one year ago today. I wish I could end this with, “And today I get to announce a book deal!” but alas, that is not the case, lol. But I do get to end this post by reasserting that I will never quit. Sorry, writing, but you’re stuck with me forever!

Alla prossima 👋

That’s all from me this week. Wait, that’s a lie. I do have one more thing to say. If you or a friend is looking for a freelance editor — specifically for copy editing or line editing — check out my editorial service offerings. I have years of experience CPing for my friends + have copy edited and proofread multiple picture books that have been published via KiwiCo, Inc. I’d love to work with you to perfect your own books!

And while we’re here, let’s remember to call and email our reps and senators and the president, to keep pressure on them to end the genocide in Palestine. Check out the Kidlit 4 Ceasefire website for links for other ways to offer support.

Love y’all.

— Karis xoxo