The gratefulness letter

Hello my loves 😍 

I write this missive from a coffee shop in a small town in “smack in the middle” North Carolina. I took refuge down South this week as the AC in my apartment has been on the fritz for like four weeks now. [Thankfully, the tech is currently in my bedroom trying to fix things, so I have hopes that I’ll land later this afternoon to a cool apartment!]

This week I’ve cuddled with some truly precious dogs, had many long talks with a really good friend, and in general just…been in my lil extroverted heart’s happy place. I’m excited to get back home and keep up a social life and a writing practice that bring me joy.

A quick & cute newsletter update for y’all: I’m no longer going to send out weekly missives; instead, I’m pivoting to a monthly schedule! I’m really excited about this, as I think the extra time will allow me the chance to add more thoughtful and meaty content, and also will overwhelm y’all’s inboxes less 😂 The newsletter will hit the first Sunday of the month henceforward, until I decide to change things up again!

From the heart 💗

On gratitude

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed in a good way. I can’t stop thinking about the Gofundme that allowed me to pay for six ketamine infusions. Even before I started the treatment, I was overcome with gratitude and this overwhelming sense that people were investing in my life. As someone whose depression has often manifested as the belief that I’m not loved and wouldn’t be missed, the fact of 60+ people giving actual cold hard cash to the project of keeping me alive was…man. It changed some things in my brain.

I can’t even tell you how often I’ve thought about death and cried because not only was I suicidal, I was convinced that my loved ones would either celebrate my death or, if they mourned me, recover swiftly.

And I was proved wrong, in such a definitive manner, that it kind of scares me. It scares me because it means there are stakes now, there are people who would be hurt, who would be [dare I say?] traumatized, who would mourn and miss and wonder and god I cannot do that to them!

I’m a big fan of affirmative words but I’m really good at disbelieving them. Until action comes along and smacks me in the face and says, “Girl, you are loved.”

I am so extremely grateful. For the love. For the care. For the irrevocable proof of love and care.

And then — after processing all of the above ^ — I actually started the treatments. I was nervous that first day, unsure what to expect. Someone was going to stick a needle in my arm and I was gonna get high — that’s all I really knew.

The treatments were unexpectedly good. Not only were the “trips” themselves a, well…trip, but I started feeling their effects almost immediately. My brain feels stronger, somehow, in its ability to withstand triggers and cope with hard times.

It’s like this: I’ve spent the past several years putting in a shit ton of work in therapy, staying on my meds, learning new skills in DBT, and trying, trying, TRYING, to learn how to cope with my depression. But my baseline mood levels were so low, so depressed, that I truly struggled to be able to put these tools to use.

The ketamine has helped clear up some of the fog in my brain and now when I encounter a trigger, I remember that I have ways to cope; I remember that there are weapons in my arsenal to fight back; I remember how to put them to use.

And I’ve been practicing them! It’s astonishing, the change I’ve seen in myself. The wya I feel so much lighter, so much more okay.

The other day the ketamine center called to see if I wanted to schedule a follow-up. I don’t have the funds for that at the moment, so I told them I was monitoring the situation with my therapist and would reach out when I needed it. [If you feel inclined to donate to the fundraiser or share it with some friends, that’d be great! 😀 ] And before we signed off, the admin said, “We miss you here at the clinic.”

Man, I nearly cried right there! It was so validating, and felt so GOOD, to know that they, like…liked me? And it sunk into, that maybe I’m kind of…okay to be around? Like a chill person that others enjoy?

Damn. Much to be grateful for!

From the shelf 📚

Never Say You Can’t Survive, by Charlie Jane Anders

I have spent nearly a year reading this book, and man, it was SO worth the time investment! [To be clear, it’s a short book I just went 8 months without cracking its spine, cause depression.]

It’s such a heartfelt book full of humor, personal stories, and genuinely excellent craft advice. I thought going in it was a “how to live” book, and it turns out it is, but it’s also very top-notch “how to write” book, and I’d highly recommend reading it. It’s still so unfortunately so timely.

Alla prossima 👋

It’s been a busy few weeks in the world of Karis’ Content, lol.

This past Monday, we aired our season 1 finale episode of The Write Way of Life. Check it out below!

We got to talk to THE V.E. Schwab about craft integrity, especially in the face of vast success and the expectations that come with it, and it was SO great. I recommend a listen for sure.

Also last week? I posted my third Sundays with Karis video! It was an interview with M.K. England who is so fun and amazing.

That’s all for this week!

— Karis xoxo